Nonviolent Communication
Words matter. Find common ground with anyone, anywhere, at any time, both personally and professionally.
By Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD
TOPICS
Clear communication • Conflict resolution & mediation • Emotional intelligence • Building positive relationships • Empathy
The Big Idea
The language we use can either be life-affirming and build connection, or life-alienating and create distance (or violence). Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a process that allows us to communicate more clearly from a place of self-awareness. It also shows us how to listen more deeply for what people are communicating to us, regardless of their own emotional and communication skills.
Empathy with others occurs only when we have successfully shed all preconceived ideas and judgments about them.
The process on NVC helps us “connect with each other and ourselves in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish. It guides us to reframe the way we express ourselves and listen to others by focusing our consciousness on four areas: what we are observing, feeling, and needing, and what we are requesting to enrich our lives.”
Key Definitions
Developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication is a discipline inspired by nonviolent resistance movements. He founded the principles on “language and communication skills that strengthen our ability to remain human, even under trying conditions.”
Nonviolent Communication Process
The concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being
How we feel in relation to what we observe
The needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings
The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives
“NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting. We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention. In any exchange, we come to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. NVC trains us to observe carefully, and to be able to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us. We learn to identify and clearly articulate what we are concretely wanting in any given situation.”
What’s the Significance?
Deepen connection with others
Nonviolent communication helps us connect with each other and ourselves in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish.
Improve communications for change
Without realizing it, many of us fail to communicate our needs and requests in ways that result in positive change—both in our personal and professional lives.
“Our repertoire of words for calling people names is often larger than our vocabulary of words to clearly describe our emotional states.”
Build agency and responsibility
Practicing nonviolent communication emphasizes our appropriate personal responsibility and contributions to conversations, situations, and envisioning change. NVC gives us the tools to bring those changes to light.
Practical Application
Recognize the habitual thought and communication patterns that separate us from our natural state of compassion. These can include:
Moralistic judgments—implies wrongness or badness on the part of people who don’t act in harmony with our values. E.g., “She’s lazy.” “They’re prejudiced.” “It’s inappropriate.” Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, and diagnoses are all forms of judgment.
Making comparisons—comparing ourselves to others is a recipe for being miserable and divides us from our true nature
Denial of responsibility—we are each responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Communication becomes life-alienating when we sidestep that responsibility. E.g., ““You make me feel guilty.” “I had to.” “Company policy.”
Making demands—a demand explicitly or implicitly threatens listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply, rather than making a request and allowing the listener to choose their response.
Become familiar with the basic human needs we all share. These needs can be met in myriad and creative ways as part of building connection together.
Autonomy: Choosing one’s dreams, goals, values • Choosing one’s plan for fulfilling one’s dreams, goals, values
Celebration: Celebrating the creation of life and dreams fulfilled • Celebrating losses of loved ones, dreams, etc. (mourning)
Integrity: Authenticity • Creativity • Meaning • Self-worth
Interdependence: Acceptance • Appreciation • Closeness • Community • Consideration • Contribution to the enrichment of life • Emotional safety • Empathy • Honesty • Love • Reassurance • Respect • Support • Trust • Understanding • Warmth
Play: Fun • Laughter
Spiritual Communion: Beauty • Harmony • Inspiration • Order • Peace
Physical Nurturance: Air • Food • Movement, exercise • Protection from life-threatening forms of life: viruses, bacteria, insects, predatory animals • Rest • Sexual expression • Shelter • Touch • Water
Choose how to respond to negativity. When someone gives us a negative message, whether verbally or nonverbally, we have four options as to how to receive it:
Blame ourselves
Blame others
Sense our own feelings and needs
Sense others’ feelings and needs
Shift habits that prevent empathic connection. Some common conversational responses that may unintentionally create distance include:
Advising: “I think you should…” “How come you didn’t…?”
One-upping: “That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to me.”
Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just …”
Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.”
Story-telling: “That reminds me of the time …”
Shutting down: “Oh, you poor thing …”
Interrogating: “When did this begin?”
Explaining: “I would have called but …”
Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.”
Exercises & Tools
“Expressing genuine requests also requires an awareness of our objective. If our objective is only to change people and their behavior or get our way, then NVC is not an appropriate tool. The process is designed for those of us who would like others to change and respond, but only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately.”
The Nonviolent Communication Process
OBSERVATIONS. What I observe (see, hear, remember, imagine, free from my evaluations) that does or does not contribute to my well-being. “When I (see, hear) …”
FEELINGS. How I feel (emotion or sensation rather than thought) in relation to what I observe. “I feel …”
NEEDS. What I need or value (rather than a preference or a specific action) that causes my feelings. “… because I need/value …”
REQUESTS. Clearly requesting that which would enrich my life without demanding. “Would you be willing to …”
NVC Example
I notice that in many of our conversations, you use closed-ended or leading question and contradict what I say. When this happens, I feel annoyed and disappointed because I value understanding, empathy, and respect for our individual perspectives between us. Would you be willing to use more open-ended questions so I can share my point of view in our discussions?
Conclusions
My Nonviolent Communication book is dogeared, coffee-stained, and visibly well-loved. It is one of the most reached-for books in my library and gets read at least every year.
I am far from perfect in my practice, but NVC has transformed my ability to understand myself and break habitual patterns that have never been useful. It has made me a better listener, friend, and researcher. When I’m not so busy mentally arguing or formulating a snappy comeback, I am free to recognize the beauty in what other people are saying (and sometimes not saying!). Conversations have become much more interesting and relationships deeper.
This book pairs well with …
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
Flourish by Martin Seligman
Liminal Thinking by Dave Gray
Who should read this book?
Managers and leaders
Researchers
Everyone